Bah & the Humbugs: Bigger Than Santa - Original North Pole Cast of "Legal!"

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BAH & THE HUMBUGS: BIGGER THAN SANTA
A 25th Anniversary Humbug Tribute

Featuring Humbugs songs performed by the following bands:

ORIGINAL NORTH POLE CAST OF "LEGAL!"

Cease & Desist

Read the Lyrics | Listen to the Song

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The story of the production of the musical "Legal!" is as tangled as the fictional legal cases at the heart of the show itself. Conceived as part of the mid-decade mania to turn anything and everything into a musical, the Ritzwood Organization approached Bah & the Humbugs with an outline detailing Merv Ritzwood's own legal troubles, literarily embellished and with a fabricated invincible hero and happy ending. The first draft of the show was leaked in the industry paper "Miscellany," and Ritzwood and the production were immediately slapped with multiple injunctions by his competitors, who were not amused by their thinly-veiled fictional counterparts.

Draft two completely swept the original plot (and legally offending portrayals) off the table. After the new draft was finally completed, Bah stormed off the production during an early rehearsal of the ill-fated duet, "Community Property is Mine Alone," shouting something about ice, disorder, and Equiprobabilism. Neither the production company nor the press could find him, and he stayed underground for seven full weeks until he was discovered in northern Finland serving as an indentured apprentice to the world's most renowned Sami yoiker.

Three years after that initial overture to the band, Ritzwood and the Humbugs completed rehearsals (on what was to be the seventh draft of the original script), and opened at the Polar Garden Theatre with a cast of unknowns, ultimately winning the Toby for that year and running a total of sixty-two weeks until the unfortunate infestation of stick bugs (inadvertently set in motion by a stagehand during Bring Your Arthropod to Work Day) closed the theater, and the show, permanently. The song showcased here. "Cease and Desist," is the Act 1 finale, sung by the ensemble featuring Dorothea Fixture (who briefly rose out of obscurity thanks to the "Legal!" cast album). The lyrics were written during a dark period in the show's creation, when Bah beat Merv Ritzwood senseless for suggesting navy blue judicial robes for the Judiciary Chorus scene.

Cease and Desist

(Guskin/Nordquist)

A baby seal and a polar bear cub
Engaged in a friendly tug-of-war
The very last bottle of ice cold Coke
Was the prize that they were fighting for

An actor playing the jolly old elf
Produced a whole case, and they celebrated
When what to their wondering eyes should appear
Attorneys, from Santa Claus Incorporated!

"We don't mean to come off as stingy;
But your portrayal is a little infringey."

"Cease and desist,
Cease and desist,
You can't use Santa's likeness if you're not on his list
Of approved licensees
Who've paid all their fees
So cease and desist if you please!"

The misfit toys told their tales of woe
To Rudolph, the reindeer with nose so red
A moment later, right on cue
The puppet St. Nick appeared on his sled

He bent his elfin ear in sympathy
To the broken toys no child could love
Then he called to his team, "On Dasher, on Dancer!"
But a suit stepped forth and threw down his glove

"We're collectively touched by this story arc,
But you don't have permission to use our trademark."

"Cease and desist,
Cease and desist,
You can't use Santa's likeness if you're not on his list
Of approved licensees
Who've paid all their fees
So cease and desist if you please!"

The street-corner Santa was ringing his bell
Passersby threw in their dough
The picture of generosity;
He stood all day in the driving snow

As he opened his mouth and drew in a breath
About to deliver his "Ho, ho, ho!"
Eight tiny lawyers appeared on the scene
And cautioned him firmly, "No, no, no!"

"It looks like you've got change to spare;
We've come to collect our contractual share."

"Cease and desist,
Cease and desist,
You can't use Santa's likeness if you're not on his list
Of approved licensees
Who've paid all their fees
So cease and desist if you please!"

Party of the first part agrees to make no use of the image or likeness of Santa Claus without paying the appropriate fees and signing the contract, which is to include a work-for-hire agreement acknowledging that any images or likenesses created will be the sole property of Santa Claus Incorporated, universe-wide in perpetuity including parallel universes and alternate timelines, with all copyrights, trademarks, and any other intellectual property succeeding to the corporate successor of Santa Claus Incorporated including but not limited to...