2019

Christmas KickFunder

COFFEE IS FOR CHRISTMAS, WHETHER YOU'VE 'BEAN' NAUGHTY OR NICE

Christmas Eve 2019: Bah & the Humbugs, America's Premier Satiric Christmas Rock Band, return with a podcast that is a sordid little tale of elves learning to crowdfund, and roasting novelty-packaged artisan coffee. This story will resonate with anyone who can say "I've BEAN Naughty" or "I've BEAN Nice" while downing a strong cup of Christmas morning joe! Includes the new Humbugs songs "Kickfund My Christmas" and "Turkey," and Humbugs classics "Christmas Tree from Hell," "Santa Pulled Down My Icicle Lights," and "Christmas Police."

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Be sure to visit the podcast page for hilarious earlier episodes.

BONUS EXTRA SONG!

"Bang the Yule Gong", the latest Bah & the Humbugs song, was released after the podcast as a standalone single. Listen / Download / Lyrics

LISTEN / DOWNLOAD / LYRICS
Kickfund My Christmas | Turkey | Christmas Tree from Hell
Santa Pulled Down My Icicle Lights | Christmas Police
Bang the Yule Gong  

Listen to "Kickfund My Christmas":

Download "Kickfund My Christmas"


Kickfund My Christmas

(Nordquist)

Kickfund my Christmas
Don't you wanna fund my Christmas?
Kickfund my Christmas
Are you gonna fund my Christmas?
Kickfund my Christmas
Be a pal and fund my Christmas
Kickfund my Christmas

Fund me, fund me, baby on Sunday
Fund me, fund me, maybe on Monday
Fund me, fund me, you gotta pick one day
You gotta pick one day
Fund me, fund me, baby on Sunday
Fund me, fund me, maybe on Monday
Fund me, fund me, you gotta pick one day
You gotta pick one day

Kickfund my Christmas
Don't you wanna fund my Christmas?
Kickfund my Christmas
Are you gonna fund my Christmas?
Kickfund my Christmas
Hurry up and fund my Christmas
Kickfund my Christmas
Don't you wanna fund my Christmas?

Fund me, fund me, baby on Sunday
Fund me, fund me, maybe on Monday
Fund me, fund me, you gotta pick one day
You gotta pick one day
Fund me, fund me, baby on Sunday
Fund me, fund me, maybe on Monday
Fund me, fund me, you gotta pick one day
You gotta pick one day

Hey baby, it's Christmas time,
a magical time,
and I have something I wanna say:

Kickfund my Christmas
Don't you wanna fund my Christmas?
Kickfund my Christmas
Are you gonna fund my Christmas?
Kickfund my Christmas
Baby you can fund my Christmas
Kickfund my Christmas
Don't you wanna fund my Christmas?

Fund me, fund me, baby on Sunday
Fund me, fund me, maybe on Monday
Fund me, fund me, you gotta pick one day
You gotta pick one day...


Listen to "Turkey":
 

Download "Turkey"

Turkey

(Nordquist)

I've got bad news for the host.
Bad news! It seems so unfair.
That bird we wanted to roast,
That bird is up in the air.

Why, why'd you teach that turkey to fly?
Why'd you teach that turkey, why, why?
Since you went and taught that turkey to fly,
It flew away.

That vegan daughter of yours,
That girl went over the line.
You should have kept her indoors,
In here, uncorking the wine.

Why, why'd she teach that turkey to fly?
Why'd she teach that turkey, why, why?
Since she went and taught that turkey to fly,
It flew away.

What's she got against meat?
Now our table's full of nothing to eat.

I've got bad news for the host.
Bad news! Let's open some cans.
That bird we wanted to roast,
That bird, it made other plans.

Why, why'd you teach that turkey to fly?
Why'd you teach that turkey, why, why?
Since you went and taught that turkey to fly,
It flew away.

Why, why'd you teach that turkey to fly?
Why'd you teach that turkey, why, why?
Since you went and taught that turkey to fly,
It flew away.


Listen to "Christmas Tree from Hell":
 

Download "Christmas Tree from Hell"

Christmas Tree from Hell

(Patanella)

It said "Direct from Grower"
on the sign outside the fence
I thought that meant some tree farm
on our town's circumference
We picked a tree, we brought it home
It fit the room quite well
But we'd brought home the Christmas Tree from Hell
Yes I said "Hell"
We'd brought home the Christmas Tree from Hell

We had some old friends over
and we trimmed the tree that night
But there was something glowing underneath
before I lit the lights
Then something snarled, then something moved
Our blood began to gel, and we knew that
we brought home the Christmas Tree from Hell
Yes I said "Hell"
We brought home the Christmas Tree from Hell

You know, this year I wanted
just an artificial tree
But "No," you said,
"a real pine scents the air so beautifully!"
Well, now the stench of brimstone
Will have all the gents and ladies know
We brought home the Christmas tree from Hades
That's Greek for "Hell"
We brought home the Christmas Tree from Hell


Listen to "Santa Pulled Down My Icicle Lights":
 

Download "Santa Pulled Down My Icicle Lights"

Santa Pulled Down My Icicle Lights

(Nordquist/Guskin)

Santa pulled down my icicle lights
I'd like to believe it was accidental
But my neighbor Gil says merely the sight
Of green and red icicles
Is enough to make the old guy go mental
He said I shouldn't have bought the ones that blink
That flicker and blink like a windblown candle
That's what drove Santa over the brink
Turned a good elf into a petty vandal

Icicle lights
Bring peace and joy to winter nights
Icicle lights
Make Christmas twice as bright, yeah

Santa pulled down my icicle lights
I still maintain it was just a fluke
But Gil disagrees, his advice
Is that the idea of red and green ice
Would make almost anyone want to puke
He said my other mistake was to make the lights swing
In time to a tune by the jingle cats
No jury would convict him on anything
Santa did after seeing a horror like that

Icicle lights
Bring peace and joy to winter nights
Icicle lights
Make Christmas twice as bright, yeah

I got my red lights
Cupid says throw those things away
I got my green lights
St Patrick says, they don't make my day
Red white and blue lights
Uncle Sam says I want you to take them down
I got my orange lights
The Great Pumpkin says, good grief, I'm leaving town
Everybody loves icicle lights all year round
All year round yeah

I think the wire got caught on the sleigh
It could easily happen to anyone
And they dragged it all with them when they flew away
I'm not pointing a finger at anyone

Icicle lights
Bring peace and joy to winter nights
Icicle lights
Make Christmas twice as bright, yeah

Icicle lights
Bring peace and joy to winter nights
Icicle lights
Make Christmas twice as bright, yeah


Listen to "Christmas Police":
 

Download "Christmas Police"

Christmas Police

(Lehmkuhl/Wren)

It's January One
and we've called in the crew
There is work to be done
we've got so much to do
We'll be out day and night
checking everything through
And if you don't get right
we'll be coming for you.

Two weeks after Christmas it's all over town
That your tree is still up, that it hasn't come down
Folks are starting to talk
They can see from the walk
That it's withered and dry, and the needles are brown.

Well, we're the Christmas Police
And we're making it clear
This is going to cease, yes, and this is the year!
If you don't want to wind up taken downtown
Then that poor Christmas tree has got to come down!

Three weeks after Christmas and going on four
But you've still got a wreath hanging up on your door
Someone else dropped a dime,
And reported your crime
It was one of the neighbors - no wonder they're sore.

Well, we're the Christmas Police
And we're making it clear
This is going to cease, yes, and this is the year!
If you don't want the handcuffs, the perp walk and more
Better get that old wreath right off of your door!

Take it down, take it down, take it down
Or we'll do it for you!

It's already March, now the winter is gone
But you've still got the deer lighting up on your lawn
It's too late, and by far;
People think it's bizarre.
Everyone agrees there's something sick going on.

Well, we're the Christmas Police
And we're making it clear
This is going to cease, yes, and this is the year!
Better get out of town, and do it by dawn
Or get those damn deer up and off of your lawn!

That's right, we're the Christmas Police
And we're making it clear
This is going to cease, yes, and this is the year!
There's a time and a place, but it's long overdue
So get up to speed, or we're coming for you!

Take it down, take it down, take it down
Or we'll do it for you!
Take it down
Or we're coming for you!
Take it down
Or that's what'll happen to you!


Listen to "Bang the Yule Gong":
 

Download "Bang the Yule Gong"

Bang the Yule Gong

(Nordquist/Guskin)

Well your wassail, babe, is too much for my cup
And your candle is too hot to handle
Well your wassail, babe, is too much for my cup
And your candle is too hot to handle
And when you play your reindeer games
I go up in flames
What you bring is just too much
You're just too much

Bang the Yule gong
Before this Yule is gone
Bang the Yule gong
'Cause Yule just turn me on
This Yule is on

Now the candy canes are on the prowl
And at midnight they turn to coal
Now the candy canes are on the prowl
And at midnight they turn to coal
And my stocking of desire
Is still hanging by the fire
When the candy canes come down
When they come down

Bang the Yule gong
Before this Yule is gone
Bang the Yule gong
'Cause Yule just turn me on
This Yule is on

In days of old there was no gong
They had no way to herald the Yule
In days of old there was no gong
They had no way to herald the Yule
There was no joy to be found
'Til they heard that first gong sound
When that gleaming metal crash
Rang in the bash

Bang the Yule gong
Before this Yule is gone
Bang the Yule gong
'Cause Yule just turn me on
This Yule is —

Bang the Yule gong
Before this Yule is gone
Bang the Yule gong
'Cause Yule just turn me on
This Yule is on