2015
Saint Nick Comes to Philly
BELOVED RELIGIOUS FIGURE CAUSES CHRISTMAS MAYHEM IN THE CITY OF BROTHERLY LOVE
Christmas Eve 2015: Bah & the Humbugs, "America's Premier Satiric Christmas Rock Band," present a podcast that chronicles the historic, traffic-halting, nightmare-inducing visit of a beloved religious figure to the City of Brotherly Love. No, not that beloved religious figure; we're talking about Santa Claus. Saint Nick Comes to Philly follows the elves who are planning this historic event, and who lead the listener on a merry chase through a plethora of new songs.
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Plain Red Cup
Sleigh Boy
Blow Up Santa
Best Christmas Ever
Listen to :
Plain Red Cup
(Nordquist)
They call me 'Mr. Burns.' They call me 'Ebenezer Scrooge.'
My heart is dry and shriveled, and my bank accounts are huge!
I hate this thing called Christmas! It's a fact — go look it up!
Look it up!
So I'm drinking Christmas coffee from a plain red cup.
Plain red cup
It's a plain red cup!
Plain red cup
It's a plain red cup!
You can say goodbye to Christmas,
'Cause the man has got a plain red cup!
This cup's a work of art. That's why I carry it with pride.
I had it custom-printed. It's blank on every side!
The printer said, "You're crazy! You are wasting all this space!"
I said, "That looks perfect! Let's put Christmas in its place!"
Let's be clear on this: I hope your Christmas is a mess!
Your snowman is a puddle. Santa loses your address.
You cry a million tears, until you finally wise up
You wise up!
And start drinking bitter coffee from a plain red cup.
LYRICS VIDEO: SING ALONG WITH 'PLAIN RED CUP'
Listen to :
Sleigh Boy
(Nordquist)
Santa didn't bring me any toys this year
Santa didn't bring me any toys
Looks like I'm not one of his good little girls and boys
'Cause Christmas morning came and went, and I didn't get any toys
And Santa didn't bring me any food this year
Santa didn't bring me any food
Guess I shouldn'ta called him "Sleigh Boy" and "That Lame-Ass Red-Suited N00b"
'Cause Christmas morning came and went, and I didn't get any food
And Santa didn't bring me any coal this year
He didn't even give me a lump of coal
Guess I shouldn'ta sent that hate mail straight to the North Pole
'Cause look what's come of Christmas Day: I didn't get any coal
He's a myth
He's a fake
That's what I said but I have to admit
I might have made a mistake
Because Sleigh Boy came and trashed my living room last night
The tree is hanging upsidedown. What a mess!
Guess I shouldn'ta signed my real name and my return address.
'Cause Fat Old Loser Elf is super sensitive, I guess.
And that flim-flam mother hubbard left this gift for me
This pretty box with a ticking time bomb
Guess I shouldn'ta called him "Satan Claus" and ridiculed his mom
But who woulda guessed his elves could make a credible clockwork bomb?
Have you heard?
There's a rumor
Santa's as dense as a fence — this is true! —
He has no sense of humor
And I shouldn'ta written that scathing expose for The New York Times
Titled "Santa Claus, That Phony Little Elf."
Now my chimney's filled with slime, and I have to clean it up myself
And that's really what I needed,
So thank you, bogus, poser elf!
So the moral of my story is that Santa Claus is real
And I'm warning you, do not taunt Santa Claus
'Cause he's ruthless and vindictive and above all human laws
Yeah he opened up my eyes
And I have to apologize
Now I'm down on my knees saying please forgive me,
Santa — "Sleigh Boy" — Claus
LYRICS VIDEO: SING ALONG WITH 'SLEIGH BOY'
Listen to :
Blow Up Santa
(Nordquist)
When you go to Rome you do things the Roman way
In the USA, what do people do?
They put giant air-filled Santa Claus on a giant air-filled sleigh
They got giant air-filled snowmen out there too
Dinesh has just arrived at Decoration Nation.
Goes in the store, "One Christmas blow-up, please.
I want to do my part for decoration inflation
The man says, "Sure thing! We have all of these.
"We have a blow-up Santa
We have a blow-up Frosty
We have a blow-up Christmas angel helping out a stranger
We have a blow-up Rudolph
We have a blow-up pair of elves
We have a blow-up Baby Jesus lying in the manger."
Well, he can't make up his mind. Dinesh takes one of each.
"I'll fill my whole front yard with Christmas cheer
If anyone should doubt I've got the Christmas spirit
I'll point and say, 'just look what I have here!
"'I got a blow-up Santa
I got a blow-up Frosty
I got a blow-up Christmas angel helping out a stranger
I got a blow-up Rudolph
I got a blow-up Coca-Cola bear
I got a blow-up Baby Jesus lying in the manger.'"
"Hello, FBI? A terror cell is right next door.
They've been setting up giant colorful weapons all day!
It's an urgent situation! They're gonna strike on Christmas!
This is what I heard their leader say:
"'I've got to blow up Santa!
I've got to blow up Frosty!
I've got to blow up Christmas angels helping out a stranger!
I've got to blow up Rudolph!
I've got to blow up everything!!
I've got to blow up Baby Jesus lying in the manger!"
The SWAT team moves right in and seizes all the stuff.
"We're shutting down this War-on-Christmas plot!"
The prosecutor says "This is not good enough.
I need more evidence. Show me what you got."
"Well...
They had a blow-up Santa...
These are raving madmen!
There's no doubt we were all in mortal danger!
They blew up Rudolph.
They blew up this Christmas tree.
They blew up Baby Jesus lying in the manger"
Dinesh got out of prison on Christmas Eve.
Some angel straightened out the situation.
His neighbors all came round and said "I can't believe
They detained you for excessive decoration!
This War on Christmas has gone too far!
Who do those grinches think they are?
Now let's set things right and have a celebration!"
We got a blow-up Santa
We got a blow-up Frosty
We got a blow-up Christmas angel helping out a stranger
We got a blow-up Rudolph
We got a blow-up pair of elves
We got a blow-up Baby Jesus lying in the manger
We got a blow-up Santa (Blow up Santa!)
We got a blow-up Frosty (Blow up Frosty!)
We got a blow-up Christmas angel helping out a stranger (Help out a stranger!)
We got a blow-up Rudolph (Blow up Rudolph!)
We got a blow-up Coca-Cola bear
We got a blow-up Baby Jesus lying in the manger
Listen to :
Best Christmas Ever
(Nordquist)
I'm so tired of Christmas getting ruined all the time!
I'm fed up with all the Yuletide disasters!
Like the year the band of robot Santas started shooting everyone
And the aliens took toy guns and turned them into blasters
This Christmas we're breaking the streak
This Christmas is gonna be better
We've got a plan and we're working it out
And when we look back we'll say there's no doubt
This is the Best Christmas Ever!
I hate the fact that Christmas has become synonymous with mayhem
And catastrophic worldwide trauma
Like those demon spinning Christmas trees that gobbled up small children
Or the giant killer space bees on Futurama
This Christmas we're breaking the streak
This Christmas is gonna be better
No more Grinches!
No Humbugs!
No Scrooges!
Of all the great Christmases this one is hugest!
This is the Best Christmas Ever!