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March 21, 2004

Dear Mr. President. . .

Poor G.W.! Some world leaders have been phoning up John Kerry and saying, "I hope you win!" Of course, none of them would dare say it to the president's face (except for Jean-Bertrand Aristide of Haiti — big mistake!!)
I can sympathize because something just like that happened to me in junior high school. I thought I was popular, then I found out people were laughing at me behind my back. What an awful day that was! But I'm getting off topic. We're talking about presidential politics, not junior high school social life. Anyhow, so John says, "Some of your friends said they like me better." And George is like, "Oh no they didn't!" and John is all, "Oh yes they did!" and George is all, "Then prove it! Tell me who said that," and John goes, "Uh-uh, no way," and George is all, "You lie. You're a liar," and John is all, "Ha ha, you loser." Kids can be so cruel. We thought we'd help the president out with a short list of the likely culprits, world leaders who might want to see a "regime change" in the United States. In Gilbert & Sullivan style, of course.

written by McNally & Sullivan + performed by the Zongo Light Opera Company

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Dear Mr. President,
As you know, you're loved by one and all,
And everyone who's anyone will vote for you this fall.
But still, it must be galling you, and just a little scary,
To think that some world leaders might be rooting for... John Kerry.
It's truly hard to fathom that such people could exist,
So I asked the State Department to draw up a little list
Of heads of state who just might want your term in office ended,
From the countries you've complained about,
or had a public falling-out,
or threatened, snubbed, disparaged, or offended.

And those would be, let's see,
The leaders of...

Germany, Jamaica, Belgium, Russia, and Ukraine,
China, Turkey, India, South Africa, and Spain,
Egypt, Jordan, Portugal, Bolivia and Syria
Senegal and Luxembourg, Guinea and Nigeria

Madagascar, Marshall Islands, Montserrat, and Monaco
Panama, Cambodia, Canada and Mexico
Brazil, Benin, Bangladesh, Togo and Tunisia
Venezuela, Vanuatu, Chad and Indonesia

France, Fiji, Paraguay, Ecuador, Estonia
Oman, Yemen, Niger, Qatar, Greece, and Macedonia
Guatemala, Argentina, Austria, Armenia
Kenya, Georgia, Serbia, Slovakia, Slovenia
It's iffy in Slovakia and even in Slovenia!

But never mind the malcontents, let me just remind you
In all the other countries, they are solidly behind you!
But never mind the malcontents, let us just remind you
In all the other countries, they are solidly behind you! Except for...

South Korea, North Korea, Norway, and the Phillippines
Guyana and Grenada, St. Vincent and the Grenadines
Uruguay, Burundi, Nicaragua, and Rwanda,
Bahamas, Costa Rica, Myanmar, Trinidad, Uganda

Haiti, Congo, Israel, Hungary, Aruba
Kuwait, Iraq, Chile, Laos, Belize, Zaire, and Cuba
Central African Republic, Cote d'Ivoire, Taiwan
Denmark, Czech, Morocco, Tonga, Bosnia, Iran

Colombia and Gambia, Zambia and Mali
Equatorial Guinea, San Marino, and Malawi
Azerbaijan, Kyrgyzstan, Uzbekistan, and Khazakstan
Tajikistan, Turkmenistan, Afghanistan and Pakistan
Where 58% say they'll be glad to help you pack your van!

But it really doesn't matter because I have confirmation
You have the trust and full support of every other nation!
But it really doesn't matter because we have confirmation
You have the trust and full support of every other nation!
Except ...

United Arab Emirates, Zimbabwae and Namibia
Dominican Republic, Malta, Lebanon and Libya
Bolivia, Belarus, Barbados and Bermuda
Bulgaria, Gabon, Bhutan, Antigua and Barbuda

Italy, Croatia, Latvia, El Salvador
Somalia and Suriname, Sierra Leone and Singapore
Vietnam, Algeria, Liberia, Botswana
Angola, Ethiopia, Eritrea, and Ghana

Burkina Faso, Saudi Arabia, Romania
Micronesia, East Timor, Nepal, and Lithuania
Ireland, Finland, Iceland, Poland, Switzerland and Greenland
Thailand, Scotland, Swaziland, the Netherlands, New Zealand
Your nickname is "The Ringwraith" for those jokers in New Zealand!

And then there's Liechtenstein and Palestine, Angola and Albania
Australia, Mongolia, Malaysia, Mauritania
Honduras, Cyprus, Tuvalu, Djibouti and Japan
Mozambique and Martinique, Sri Lanka and Sudan. . .

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